eriks_angel_of_music's Xanga

My Yoshi..

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 02:28:41 GMT

...where did he go?

Is he sleeping..?

Will he ever wake up?

I don't want him to be dead...

I just want him to love me.

That's all.

Just love me.

Yoshi.

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 02:24:27 GMT

I dont think I'll ever by happy again...

He likes Jessica and I know that Jessica has liked him for a while. She won't say it, but she does.

I know that its cliché for me to say that i wont ever be happy again, but really, i won't. I mean that. Death would be better than... this isnt fun... its not "interesting" like i thought it would be. It hurts. all the time.

All I want is for him to love me.. but he can't. it hurts so much.

Please, Yoshi.... I love you, please love me back.

I miss the beginnings of "my Yoshi". some parts of the middle and end, but mostly the beginning, when we didnt fight, when i WAS his best friend in the whole world. When he loved me. When we were going to spend as long as we both loved each other with each other.

Im sorry for all the fighting, and the not paying attention, and thinking that i needed breaks and stuff. I'm sorry that i was so horrible to you. I dont know what i did, but i must've been for you not to love me anymore.

My life amounts to nothing without you. Nothing is important compared to you. Not wow, not tv, lucky charms and mac and cheese dont even begin to compare. I miss when you would send me emails just because you were thinking of me while you were on trips.

I miss your mom, and i miss her boyfriend, but i can live without them.

Living without you isnt living. its going through the motions of it.

and as much as you say "youre going to find someone better and grow up and live a happy life and make a CHANGE in the world..." i dont think so. not without you.

I love you
i love you
i love you.

what would it take for you to love me back?

its not me being happy... im sure.

i know its not me being sad.

its not even me praying.......

what do you see in Jess that you dont see in me anymore? what did i do? what can i do so that you love me again?

thats all i want in this WHOLE world. so forget what i said about wanting money and being able to find my love still... forget that... I dont care what type of money i bring in, i want to be with you. and that's all.

no more fighting, because i love you.

please......

i dont know...

you already know what i want...

"I love you, Yoshi, and it doesn't matter where."

Yoshi.

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 09:24:03 GMT

I just want to die.......... jessica.........

OH YEAH

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 05:52:18 GMT

remember the Yoshi that I kept talking about? yeah..

so we're dating now.....

lots has happened, but we've been dating for over eight months, so I guess this blog is really out-dated. yay^^

anyway, he is even more awesome than I thought he was, but I'll stop here in case he gets embarrassed.

mostly to psycho_dreamer1986

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 05:45:41 GMT

wow, it's been almost a year and I just realized what you were saying. O.O man I'm thick.

I did try to die, but I don't think it worked because I am still here... I've gotten better, I don't feel the need to end my life anymore. I think I just went through an emo period or something. o.O how odd.... Your poetry is still really pretty to me though, so keep going with it.

I'm not sure if I'm going to get back to ever actually writing here anymore, but it will be about happy things now... this blog will no longer be depressing. haha

To all those people out there who ARE suffering from depression or bipolar disorder: Go see someone before it is too late, please... it's not worth the aches and pains that you are putting yourself through by not seeing a professional. I know this for a fact.

Honestly, to this day I don't know what exactly causes it (even my case), but I know some ways to prevent some of it, so if you need help, don't be afraid to ask.

xlittleoldmex@hotmail.com is my email, but keep in mind that I am in NO WAY a professional, and I will probably advise you to seek professional assistance, but I will also try my best to listen if you need to talk then.

Take care of yourselves and to all the people that helped me, thank you so much, I am forever grateful.

Well, this has been an interenting day...

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 03:14:15 GMT

So, it wasn't really under my "list of things to do before I die" because I've done it before, but I've done it again anyway. It's not like I meant to or anything stupid like that. In fact, I feel really really stupid about the whole thing. You know? On the way down to the emergency room I couldn't stop thinking about how much I fucked up. I mean, the other times it's happened, it's been someone else's fault.
Basically I got into a car crash. Like, a rear-end-someone-else's-car car crash? No. More like a fly-off-the-road-and-hit-a-tree crash. Why? I don't know. I remember the sequence of events very well, but it happened so fast that it just seems like a blur. One minute I'm swerving off the road and the next I'm hitting a tree trunk and the airbag, what seems like at the same time. It didn't feel like I was going that fast even. I even saw it happen and then felt the airbag.
On the way down I was pissed with myself that I could even think of letting that happen to me. It felt like I could've slowed down faster or something. I didn't really need the airbags is what it seemed like. I couldn't believe that I was one of those idiots that crash into trees. But I am. I suppose that I will never measure up to my dad. Lately I've been trying to be better than him, but I don't think it's possible anymore. Like, his IQ is better than mine, he reads more than I can, he thinks of better presents than I do, he finds better movies than I do, he's better at arguing than me, he has a better job than me, he drives better than me, and he's loved someone where I have not. It's like I can't even compare to him. I felt pathetic.
Miraclely, I walked away from the accident with only a minor pain in both my lower rib cage and what will probably turn into a bruse on my right hand, both from the force of the airbag with the added help of the seat belt with the damage done to my ribs. All in all, very minor. The car suffered more appearent damage from the airbags than the actual tree, which bothers me greatly. They should make the airbags come out after you're doing fifteen to twenty miles per hour rather than something like twelve, as I had been.
These were the thoughts that went through my head as I sat in the back of an emergency vehicle this morning at around 11:30. I spent a good hour and a half in the medical center and then called for my friends to pick me up. I called my best friend with her license first, but she did not pick up, so I figured she was at work. Then I called my ex, who was also busy, so I refused to bother him and said good bye. Since most of my friends have yet to get their license, I was running short on people. I worked up the nerve to ask someone who had given me rides before to pick me up. When he said sure and asked where I was shocked to realize that I didn't actually know where I was. I told him that I thought I was at the emergency room and he asked if there was construction outside. There was and he came right away. At first he thought that i had to be home right away, so we ended up just going home. We ended up watching the movie Clockwork Orange, which is disturbed out of it's creation, but undeniably a masterpiece. In some sick was I really enjoyed it.
Even though the movie was really long, I've never been interrupted that many times throughout a movie. It's two hours and ten minutes long, but we must have had a total of ten or twelve calls over the course of those two hours.
Anyway, I really appericiate what he did, and it makes me very happy that he'd take the time out of his day to do something like this for me. He's not going to read this, but I just wanted to remember this act of kindness and how thankful and humbled I am by it all.
I know that the hug that I gave him and my meagar words of thanks are hardly enough to repay this act, but I don't know what else I can do or say that would take me out of his debt, so I must remember that if he asks for anything, I should try to give it to him because of this stupendous amount of niceness he's shown. He's really a good guy. It makes me happy that he'd even take me anywhere I needed to go let alone stay and watch a movie with me especially if he had somewhere else he wanted to be.
Don't get me wrong, he doesn't like me like that. I'm pretty damn sure of that. I just can't see him thinking of me that way. But I'm glad that he thinks of me as someone that he'd do something so special for. I'm glad he sees me as such a good friend that he'd go that far out of his way for me. If he ever does read this, I'd like to thank him (you) from the bottom of my heart for making me feel so cared about, if that's not too weird.
Anyway, I'm okay, even less shaken up than I was before. And thank that higher power that I may or may not believe in for waterproof make-up!
As an after note, don't crash going over 12 miles per hour as the stuff they use to to inflate the airbags smells really really bad.

Oh, on a side note, Yoshi and I are good friends, and I don't hate him. I guess I was just being a weirdo and haven't been on here in ever.... like, really really ever... but yeah. I kinda like someone else now, but nothing is ever going to happen between us, so unless he makes a move, I'm over high school relationships... I think.....?
Anyway, take care everyone!

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Now playing: Armor For Sleep - The Truth About Heaven
via FoxyTunes

Yoshi

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 09:13:51 GMT

fuck this shit. I'm so over relationships. they can all burn in hell and I'll watch and laugh right next to Satin himself.

but the weird thing is, even though I want to listen to "angry" music, I'm not mad... I'm actually kinda relieved.

I must just be weird.

myspace survey...

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 09:07:28 GMT

10 WHAT’S:
1. What was the first thing you thought about when you woke up?
shit... is it really eight o'clock? (turns out it wasn't)

2. What did you do last night?
take pictures and internet.. same as always

3. What is the most important part of your life?
my friends and music. <--same here.

4. What would you rather be doing right now?
eh.. sleeping or eating or... eh.... nevermind....

5. What did you last cry over?
I haven't in so long that I don't remember... probably something stupid.

6. What always makes you feel better when you’re upset?
my friends... or a smile from that someone.... x.x

8. What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other?
personality...?

9. What are you worried about?
things that are none of my business.

10. What are you looking forward to most in this week?
not a whole lot... OH! Cake from Claire, and a sleep over at Dansley's!! <3

NINE HAVE YOU’S:
1. Have you ever liked someone while you had a girlfriend/boyfriend?
yes

2. Have you ever had your heart broken?
nope

4. Have you ever been out of the country?
yessssssss <33

5. Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
everyday... <-- I second this

6. Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend?
well, they weren't really a friend then, so no.

7. Have you ever had the cops called on you?
nope

8. Have you ever dated someone younger than you?
no...

9. Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
yes ma'am

EIGHT WHO’S:
1. Who was the last person you saw?
my mommy

2. Who was the last person you kissed?
faulty memory................

3. Who was the last person you texted?
it's been a while... probably my sister

4. Who was the last person to call you?
probably Dansley

5. Who was your first crush?
Kai Ferring, although some will say Gillian Grossman...

6. Who is the last person who texted you?
probably my sister

7.Who is the last person you freaked out on?
probably Dansley, Daniel, D.J., or Yoshi... or Claire, just now.... haha

8. Who did you last hug?
half-ass hug? my mommy.
hug-hug? Patricia

SEVEN WHEN’S:
1.When was your last shower?
after I finish this.

2. When did you last see your mom?
about two hours ago.... O.O it's been THAT long??? *sigh* I need another hug.....

3. When was your last time u saw your dad?
awwwwwww..... I miss him... it's been almost two weeks.....

4. When did you last dress up?
last night!! ^^

5. When was the last time you cried?
I don't remember... its been a while :)

6. When did you last go to the movies and with who?
With D.J. to Sweeny Todd

7. When did you last listen to music?
this moment

SIX WHERE’S:
1. Where does your best friend live?
which one?

2. Where did you last go?
ummm.... I don't know how to answer this one.... my bed...?

3. Where did you last hang out?
school..?

4. Where do you go to school?
bhs

5. Where is your favorite place to be?
with my friends.. or that special person...

6. Where did you sleep last night?
my bed

FIVE DO’S/DOES:
1. Do you like someone right now?
yep

2. Do they like you too?
HA HA HA HA HA as if....

3. Do you ever wish you were someone else?
kinda..ish.......... but if I had it my way, I'd wish for something different....

4. Do you know the muffin man?
yes ma'am

5. Does the future scare you?
not really... the fact that I don't know what I'm going to do with myself scares me...

FOUR WHY’S:
1. Why are you best friends with your best friend?
this doesn't need an explanation. that is something that the pure scientist cannot touch. it's called "love."
did I just say that??
Holy shit....
I did....
O.O

2. Why did you get a myspace?
because..... I always forget this... I know I still have one for my friends...

3. Why did your parents give you the name you have?
because they could.

4. Why are you doing this survey?
I dunno anymore... umm... oh yeah, cause Daniel did it....

THREE IF’S:
1. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?
make an infinite amount of wishes that would always come true but could be undone if I wanted them to be!! (why does that sound like a Disney movie?? o.O)

2. If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?
yeah, but only one thing.... getting better grades....

3. If you were stranded on a deserted island and could bring one thing what would it be?
Yoshi, he knows how to survive and I don't... haha.

TWO WOULD-YOU-EVER’S:
1. Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you?
hmm..... I'd have to think about it.... maybe............. *thinks* *wants to say no* *thinks more* ..........maybe.......................... o.O

2. Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?
does that even need questioned? Of course if they were going to die! Although I don't see how that would help matters....

ONE LAST QUESTION:
1. Are you happy with your life right now?
ish...

RANT - "daddy it hurts"

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 19:38:00 GMT

Look, guys, I'm glad that you can rhyme, or someone can, that's great. But these kids that keep dying because of abusive home situations aren't going to come back to life. Poe wasn't God, neither are you, if you believe in that stuff.

I'm also happy to hear that I'm not the only one who believes that abusing a child is bad, but COME ON. Do you think that this will stop the maniacs out there that ARE hurting people? NO. It doesn't work that way.

The emotional side to this is just making myspace more of a depressing place. I mean, this is turning into one enormous sob story from the media. It's like the news at six with caring people, which is almost an oxymoron.

Moreover, myspace is SUPPOSED to be a place for FRIENDS, no? Your friends want to hear what YOU did, not what some effing psyco killer did when he was drunk. If you want to leave comments on all your friends pages (or just a few of them that might care) then do that.

Chances are though that most of your friends already care about bad parenting or they don't. It will only provoke anger in them towards the person with no proper outlet for their emotions, or they will find the constant threats annoying. That in turn will make them angry, or at the very least frustrated with you.

People who are abusive either don't care that they are or are so unbelievably STUPID that they don't realize that you're talking about them. Others are only abusive when drunk, and therefore may fall under both catagories. In any case, they're not going to listen to this.

So the fact that you've posted this has done nothing productive. You've probably made someone that's angry about abusive relationships lash out at someone. Look what you've done? How does that make you feel? Bad? See I rest my case.

I just read the bulletin and indirectly lashed out at all of my friends that just read this. I rest my case.

What can you do instead? Post this CRAP in your BLOG. Yes, if you have poetry, then get a blog. That's short for weblog (web-log). Get one of those. Have one? Use it. This type of sappy, emotional stuff is perfect for that type of thing. (As is this. The difference is that this isn't intended to be a chain.)

To-do list for you guys:
-Get a blog. It can be a myspace one.
-Post sappy stuff THERE.
-When/if people really want to re-post it, they can ask you if they can post it in their own blog.

*rolls eyes* OMG!! What and amazing concept??

One more thing.. the threats get old really fast. Threats are harassment. Harassment is ILLEGAL in most countries. Think about it.

So..

What have we learned from this?

1. Someone doesn't want to read depressing poems about abused/murdered children.
2. Someone doesn't want to be called "heartless" because she will not conform to the media/myspace.
3. Someone needed to blow off steam because of a bulletin that someone posted that became a CHAIN.
4. Someone hates/loathes chains.
5. Someone has no life because she reads the chains anyway even though she knows that they are chains, and then writes retorts to them in other bulletins.
6. Someone greatly enjoys making lists just to piss people off/out of boredom.
7. Someone DOES care, but ALSO thinks that if YOU really (I mean REALLY reeeeeeeeeeeaaaaally) cared, you'd do MORE than just post bulletins with SAPPY POETRY in them.
8. Someone thinks that you should think about what that someone has written above.
9. Get a blog to blow off steam. If you have one, use it.

Questions, Comments & Flames are all welcome.

Bring it on.

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Now playing: Senses Fail - Bite To Break Skin
via FoxyTunes

My family.

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 15:24:14 GMT

After spending only a week in Ohio, I feel hopeless. My mom's side of the family is completely wacked. I mean, no offense, but they all kinda have issues. No wonder I have them. Anyway, my grandfather is having problems with his health, however he seems much more concerned about where I'm going to college. My grandmother is also having problems, but only because of my grandfather's condition. My cousin is fifteen and a half and into sports, and one of the "normal" ones of my mom's side. Then there's my cousin that just turned eighteen, and she has her first boyfriend so she can't really spend time with me, so this trip was kinda a waste. I mean, he's always over whenever I'm here, so it doesn't really seem like I came ALL the way from HAWAII to come and hang out. Same with my other cousin, but she at least acknowleges that I'm here. Then there's my aunt and uncle who are, how should I say, different than I thought they were. He is lazier than I remember, as he makes his daughters clear the table when his in-laws are over, where they are his daughters grandparents. She pushes for me to go to college and for me to get my mother to come back to help with my grandparents. Of course I'm going to college, just not in the way that she wants me to. And everyone knows that my mother will not come back. Why? Well, she feels that she needs to be in abusive relationships. Or something of the sort. That's all she knows, according to her. That's her way of justifying leaving my father, however he was not abusive in the slightest. She would've been better off just staying with him. However, I'm glad that she's not with him because it's brought me to the conclusion I wouldn't be the person I am today. [[edit: I can't believe I said that. x///x' I suppose that I meant something more along the lines of "I wouldn't've met my friends" or "I wouldn't've experienced all this stuff that I have" because I really hate the person that I am today. /edit]] My other cousins are spoiled, to the point of being rotten. They have all of the traditional holidays, and they celebrate all of the Jewish ones as well. The younger two are speech impaired, as far as I can tell, and the elder one must constantly translate for them, which leaves him hardly any time for a social life. Also, the fact that they celebrate Christmas and Honikka will definitely confuse them in the future years. I pitty the elder one, seeing as he has already had his Bar Mitzva. Moving forward, the father of these fine boys is a lawyer in New Jersey, which is a subburb of New York, and his lovely wife is the mother of these three young gents, and need I say more? Alright, I'll spell it out. Between getting them to eat and running around picking up after them and driving them to their extra curicular activities, she must be exosted. I'd say that she needs a well earned vacation, with whatever social life she has left. My great grandmother lives a state away, or about a two hour drive if the roads are alright. Even though she has had one heart attack and three strokes and is lacking some of her memory, with the help of my great aunt, she seems to be doing better than all of my family here put together. [[edit: Actually, she just hides it well. I lost track of how many times she asked me what day I was going back to Hawai`i when I went to visit her. /edit]] Then there's my mother's cousin and her little girl. The elder does paralegal work and helps with situations in the home that have gone amuck. I believe the term is social worker. Her daughter is a charming little girl, but as of now, neglects to see that I flew all the way from Hawaii to see her and the rest of what I'm supposed to call my family. She clings to my elder cousin, the one with the boyfriend, as if to annoy me. I do not show that this bothers me though. Have I missed anyone? There is my mother's cousin's husband, who is nice to the family, but don't get them arguing in the car on the way to an amusement park or you'll be sorry. My great aunt is a sweet heart, however she has to have everything just so, and I kinda of worry that she's not human. I mean, she too perfect to really be in our family. On the other hand, she gives amazing birthday presents, so I accept her, even with her flaw of being perfect. There are others, related to me by marriage, but nothing more, and I have never met these people, or have, but have little memory of them, so I will not mention them farther. On my father's side, I anger people quickly or they anger me, so it seems. My father is forgiving, simply because he has to be. This in turn does not make me feel any better. He is very kind and loving and the best father ever. His house is structured and I have never found a reason not to do something he has asked of me. When he asks me to do the dishes, I see little reason not to do them, and everything else follows suit. My uncle, who lives with my father, is the same. I have no hard feelings towards him. However, I've been here only one week and I seem to have angered him. Yesterday he did not talk to me after I decided to spend the last minute with my father instead of freeze my butt off outside with him. Is he sick of me? Oh well. I suppose that all I can do is wait it off because this family was brought up to say "nothing" when asked "what's wrong?" [[edit: my uncle was not angry with me, I am just very good at overreacting, one of my few talents. /edit]] My dad's family has five children in the generation before me that are most related to me. Namely, my aunts, uncles, and father. The first uncle I described is the youngest. My father is the eldest. That leaves the middle boy. This uncle is nearly always sick and nearly always busy, which means that I have little time to see him. He insists on getting to see me while I'm here, however our conversations usually consist of him and my father talking, which makes me wonder why I'm there. My elder aunt has two children who are both elder than I, and therefore makes me feel like I have a hard time interacting with her. My first cousins on my father's side include one boy and one girl, both of which, the younger being twenty-one, have two children of their own. They are very sweet, and the one that is able to speak in complete sentences is darling. Although she doesn't completely grasp the idea behind Tetris, she is very bright for being in second grade. The other three I have not made enough trips back to know enough about to write on. My last aunt was a supermodel that has the honor of being on the cover of Time magazine not once, but twice. She is very pretty, but nearly always sick whenever I come to see her. I hear that she is also still in the middle of a five year divorce, which saddens me. She should just end it and leave the bastard. Then there's my grandmother, who appears to be doing better than she really is. She still has a job. I haven't decided whether it's healthy for her or not yet. There are many more, however I can never remember them, let alone name them for you, so describing them is even farther out of the question. By far, the most fun to hang out with are my father and my youngest uncle. However, my uncle is angry with me for some reason and I don't want to ask him about it because he won't give me a reason to talk to him, and my father is either working or I can't think of anything fun to do aside from shopping. Guess where. In places like Costco, Target, and Giant Eagle. For those of you in Hawaii that read this, Giant Eagle is a large grocery store, like Foodland, Safeway, or Sack'N'Save, only without the Maikai`i card. Visiting with my family is a lot less rewarding than I remember and much more tiring. I mean, either I was less observant when I was little, or everyone/thing is much more *pauses* taxing for my brain to process. I wish that everything would go back to the way things were and I could be carefree like when I was little, but still keep the best friends in the world that I gained from opening my eyes.

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Now playing: PlayRadioPlay! - Decipher Reflections from Reality
via FoxyTunes